I'm not ready for this.

NOTE: this blog entry was created in the Fall of 2012 but not published until 4.26.16.

At a recent neighborhood birthday party, Jonas stayed to play for a really long time. As in hours and hours. I thought it was the lure of the bounce house. I went to check on him and he was following Miriam down the street. He maintained a bit of a distance, but was following her nonetheless.

When I went up to him and said it was time to go, he turned to me with them most earnest expression and said to me, "I'm in love with Miriam."

Understand this: Miriam is the female Dennis the Menace. She's not a bad kid, but she is intrepid, wandering the neighborhood like a vagabond, knocking on each and every door (sometimes just letting herself in) until she finds a receptive place.

Earlier that day, she showed up at our house, opening the door rather than knocking, announcing that her sister's birthday party would begin in 60 minutes. And for that next hour, she played in our house, ate an apple (on her own initiative - we had a little talk about that), hummed the tune to "Funky Town" then left abruptly. She is an adorable brunette with a light olive complexion, a large vocabulary, and indomitable spirit. She is the girl who will cover herself with blue sidewalk chalk while wearing a Snow White costume on any random day.

Given who Miriam is, my first response to Jonas' announcement was to ask, "Did she tell you to say that?" He said "no" so I then asked him what being in love meant to him. He replied, "I want to be with her all the time."

And that's when my heart fell and my stomach turned. I could feel his angst and could feel angst for him, all at the same time.

Miriam trotted back to the bounce house, entered, and when Jonas attempted to follow, she announced that he was not allowed. She told him to stop following her, that she needed space. He lay his head on his arm and sobbed.

She's a great kid, but I worry how she makes my son feel.

This is all within the context of Jonas' first official week of kindergarten. He's been coming home exhausted, and it's having an emotional toll on him. He loves school, but is struggling to find his place among 360 kids and tons of staff and other unfamiliar faces. Miriam is a familiar face; they even ride the bus together. And she's a friendly girl. It's totally predictable, really, but I hate it. I'm not ready for this. He's not ready for this. I thought I had at least another 5 years!

Ed tells me that Jonas is his clone. That he had crushes like this as a kid. I don't remember crushes in kindergarten, and certainly none I discussed with my parents! And I didn't cry over a crush until the END of middle school. I'm sure of this.

My sensitive little boy, so gentle and sweet. How can I protect him from such a rough world?

Meanwhile, Gill is my rough and tumble, resilient comedian. He likes to walk around with either just underwear (often put on backwards) or in the nude. Ed has taught him to say that he's "naked and famous." He still loves to cuddle and it's a nightly battle to get him in his own bed. He insists on falling asleep in our bed. We then  put him in his own bed but he's back within 3 hours. We call him the boomerang. It wouldn't be bad if he wasn't such a wiggler. He will kick you in the face at least 3 times during a one hour period, asleep the whole time. Doesn't matter how far away from you he starts out at.

He's still biting Jonas when they fight, and can be a bully in other ways, but is generally sweet (though not gentle.) He remains fixated on his "paci," stashing them throughout the house, but forgetting where they are. Ed gives in and buys more. Last night, he came home with a pink one with zebra stripes. He's almost 3 1/2 and this is beginning to feel embarrassing. I would put a stop to it if he wasn't so damn cute and in love with the darn thing.